open letter to PDA-ers

This weekend, I was lucky enough to spend time with the lovely Kiala and her hubby, Dane.

On Saturday night we went to Le Happy for crepes. I had never eaten crepes except for the strawberry ones I had at a Shari’s once. They came with green onion. But they were strawberry. I was immediately turned off.

I had a yummy smoked salmon crepe and was digging the Le Happy vibe all around. We were having great conversation, and then … horror struck mine & Kiala’s faces.

There was a couple doing unspeakable things to each other at the bar.

She was wearing a [I presume] Forever 21 shirt … but she wore it as a dress. Needless to say, I was able to tell that she does approximately 25 lunges a day. She was also wearing very tall shoes and … no  underwear that  I could see.

Her boy-toy at the time was wearing a shirt that was printed to look like tattoos. Kiala immediately hated him, because these shirts are quite possibly the douchiest things you can buy. The two of them were sucking face with the intensity of two gerbils trying to navigate a labyrinth. That was enough to gross us out while still keeping us overwhelmingly intrigued.

Then, shirt-dress girl walked to the other end of the bar where another douche they were with was sitting.

“I think she’s going to make out with him!” I squealed to Kiala.

“Oh. My. God. We’re on Blind Date!” Kiala shrieked.

We were absolutely convinced we were on some crappy dating show for the CW or Fox. She was on his lap, devouring his tongue, while tattoo-shirt was hitting on the other girl they rolled in with.

We watched in anticipation of the next move. I could not believe what we were viewing. Were we the only ones noticing? Were we imagining it? Where was my camera? Why was I getting turned on? This was too much.

Shirt-dress and Tattoo-shirt continued flirting when she was done with the other man. And Tattoo-shirt decided to slide a couple fingers in while she sat on the bar stool. My jaw hit my crepe. This. Was. Foul. Finger-bangin’ in a creperie? GO HOME. That needs to stay in private places like bedrooms, or bathrooms of bars, or taxicabs.

And then – shirt-dress girl got up to leave. But not before making out with tattoo-shirt AND their lady friend in a three way kiss! I hadn’t seen one of these since they were all the rage in ninth grade [Thanks Real World Las Vegas!].

“WHooaaa!” Kiala & I both let out a confused/aroused yell.

Tattoo-shirt and shirt-dress-girl left together. Stumbling the whole way.

Dear Tattoo-Shirt & Shirt-Dress Girl:

I don’t understand what possesses people like you to do these things in classy, hipster establishments like creperies. Can’t you go to The Dirty, or Dante’s, or somewhere filled with others like you? I was trying to enjoy a nice conversation and eat a crepe while discussing politics – and you had to go and arouse me ruin it with your tongue action.

We all regret decisions we’ve made while drinking. But I have met few people who have decided to go to third base in a restaurant. I am partially disgusted, and also impressed.

Not to mention, Shirt-Dress Girl, you should probably get your extensions fixed. Tattoo-Shirt was pulling on them, and they seemed askew on the way out.

Love always,
M

PS – Next time you all go out – give me a holler. I was a sorority girl, after all. It’s not too far off.