damn, you’re illusive

I keep seeing these food blogs that I love (Carrots N Cake, Couch Cubicle) writing about Arnold’s Sandwich Thins.

But I can’t find the godforsaken things here. I know we don’t have Arnold’s on the west coast, but we have Oroweat. Which is the same damn thing. SAME LOGO! Why not the same products!?

They look so fucking delicious but I can’t find them for the life of me.

I don’t really expect you all to do anything. I’m just angry.

i’m a wino and that’s fine-o

I drink.

I used to drink more than I do now. I had a period in my life where I [when I say "I", that means "most everyone arond me"] thought I should be sober for a while. So I was.

I drink now – but much more responsibly. I no longer aim to get trashed, and I haven’t consumed alcohol from a blow-up swimming pool in over six months.

But that doesn’t mean I am free from drunken stoopers. For instance — last night. Apologies to those of you who follow me on Twitter and had to see seventybajilliony posts from me updating you on the event I attended. It was an event hosted by Mercedes-Benz to premiere their new cars. This event had free Riesling and roast beast.

I. Was. Set.

I went with one of my oldest friends, Nick, who loves cars and booze and money almost more than I do. We drove to the event in his Mercedes and I dressed rich so they would think I was worth talking to.

Two bottles of wine later, I was flirting with a local jazz musician who was playing there, and Nick was eating taquitos by the fistfull. By the time I got home, I was belligerent.

Somehow I got away with nine [or thirteen] Mercedes-Benz tote bags shoved into my purse.

And then, I decided to start yelling at Boyfriend. Poor guy. He put up with me while I ranted and raved for at least an hour. Toward the end of my tirade, I did this:

I punched the wall in our room. Which has left this nasty bruise on my knuckle, as well as shooting pain all the way to my elbow, and a severely swollen hand.

Thinking about this today, I made a list of all other alcohol-enduced injuries I have had. They go like this:

• Freshman year in college: Jumped out of a first floor dorm room window and hit my head on the sidewalk. Concussion.
• Freshman year in college – again: Punched out my friend’s car window after she left her keys in the glove box. Scars.
• Sophomore year in college: Threw up so violently that I hit my head on the toilet seat. Knot on forehead.
• Junior year in college: Attempted to send a drunken letter to my ex boyfriend. Tongue papercut [i.e., the worst!]
• Junior year in college – again: Decided to take a nap on the sidewalk out of a cantina. But I fell instead. Cracked kneecap.

Senior year was quiet on the injury front.

When I thought about them, I realized that all of them. Each and every one. Was wine enduced.

Boxed wine. Bottled wine. Expensive wine. Wild Vines [my fav!]. Wine from a glass. Wine from the bottle. Wine from a mug. Wine through a straw.

Gets me every time!!!!!! So, what’s next?

A few things will now come into play:

1. I will wear some kind of plastic suit when I go out to a location that serves wine. It will look like this:

This suit will protect me from injury while still upholding my status as a fashionista.

2. I will start chewing gum. Sounds strange – but if I’m chewing gum, I drink less. Spearmint doesn’t mix with much anything else.

3. I will ask Boyfriend to take pictures of me when I’m drunk. I know I’m usually a hot mess.

I’m in a place of self-acceptance and I am ready to start drinking safely rather than stopping all together. WHO WANTS TO GO OUT TOMORROW NIGHT!?

i do not need your help, young sir!

As a child, I was accident prone.

At twelve, I broke my wrist playing tag. TAG.

This “trend” never went away, and it seems I have not grown into my perfectly average sized feet. Anyone who knows me in real life rather than via the internets knows that I trip/fall/stumble/eat it fairly regularly.

A few years ago, I fell down the side of a hill on my undergrad campus, and basically tore the top of my foot off.

Last December I slipped on the stairs at my parent’s house and cracked my kneecap.

Once, at a party, I slid all the way down the main stairs to the basement – holding my beer over my head – and broke my tailbone.

And on this beautifully crisp October day in Portland, I was walking across the street to go to my new important job and I was feeling very new and important. When my new and important-looking heels got caught in the cuff of my snazzy slacks and I fell on my face in the middle of Broadway. In the path of a bus.

A kind gentleman (who couldn’t have been more than 110 pounds soaking wet) tried to help me up, when I got terribly embarrassed.

At the top of my lungs I yelled “I do not need your help, young sir!” This is not something I would normally say out loud, and frankly, it concerned me.

I grabbed one of my heels that had flung off and hobbled to the sidewalk. I collected myself. Brushed back my hair. And went into the office.

110 lb. Gentleman just came in for an appointment. With me.

He laughed.

new clothes, new necklace – new me!

Hey Kiddies!

So, we all know I have a bit of an anxiety problem. And when I say ‘bit’ I mean it is crippling.

With this new job and such, I’ve been extra nervous because I want everyone to like me and everyone to think I’m neat and pretty and smart and pretty and funny and gorgeous.

Because of this, I have gone out and purchased many an item. Sweaters, cardigans, shoes (oh, the shoes) and pantaloons. Cute things, I should add. Some say I will be regretting my purchases in a few months when all I have to eat are olives and mustard. But I don’t care. Because I will be the cute new girl. I must be.

Also, I have been slightly nervous about running into the people who don’t like me from old job — so I hide. Like, today, I saw a girl from old job in the food court, and I dove behind an old man and nearly knocked over a giant display for smoothies.

She probably didn’t see me at all.

But, whatever, I avoided conflict. That’s my main goal these days.

You know what DOESN’T make me anxious?! Trips!

Boyfriend and I went to the beach to celebrate our anniversary. We spent all of Sunday at the Boardwalk Arcade — we saved up 597 tickets to get this:

Yes, friends, that is a light up blinking dolphin necklace. Ours has a hard plastic piece that goes around your neck and also lights up — but I couldn’t find a good picture! Boyfriend has necklace custody today and so I couldn’t take one with le phone.

I played a LOT of “Deal or No Deal” and “Wheel of Fortune” arcade games for that.

Sidenote: there are a LOT of light-up dolphin necklace pics on the internets!

Anyway – I am at the office, now that I’m done with my break I must go tend to the work, and save the youth.

<3 M

PS – YAY FOR BACKFENCE PDX TOMORROWWWW!

sanity regained.

Hey friends!

I am so sorry about missing you guys for the last few weeks. The event I was planning is finally over – but not without problems.

First off – everything that could have gone wrong did. Secondly – I had a major panic attack coke binge and wound up on the floor of my hotel bathroom without knowing what happened.  I left early to maintain my sanity/family issues/to deal with some stuff — nobody will talk to me. In fact, I’m afraid to go get all of the supplies from my desk.

Good news – I started my new job and I love it! Everyone is so nice and so fun. I feel like I fit in here. Also, they are going to have me help out with a blog we have so that new students can find out more about our University. Wahoo!

I finally feel like I’m centered – which I haven’t felt in a while. Which also means that blogging will commence. I feel like such a slacker and I miss you all terribly, even though I don’t really know any of you except for in my dreams.

So – a few questions I pose to you:

1. Where do I buy more grown-up clothes?

2. How many cups of coffee is too many?

3. How do I know if my life is being threatened by a mob of angry managers from my old job?

4. What’s my best angle?

Peace out.

Love.

Me.

apologies. apologies.

The event I have dedicated the last six months of my life to is starting on Tuesday. Life is hectic. I haven’t been sleeping or eating much. And I’m making rash decisions like spending lots of my paycheck on things I don’t need [because my grad school loans are coming in soon mwahah].

Like these. I bought these. I thought of you, Kiala.

And I feel like it was a good choice because Zappos gave me a free upgrade to priority shipping. Mmm. They’ll go nice with my new skinny jeans. REeeeeal nice. I <3 Zappos.

Also, for those of you not in the “know” – I just got a Graduate Assistantship in an Admissions office, which means I’ll be working with students, getting a fatty wage AND they pay for my grad tuition. Not to mention my loans that I requested when broke and job-less go through next week. Now I’m in the money. Cocktails, anyone?

So, sorry I’m not really blogging much. I’m sure you’re all ::sarcastic:: devvvistated. But, I’ll be back in full force after the 11th, when this godforsaken conference is over. I HATE planning things. I thought I liked it. I do not. I was wrong. For once. Just once.