i’m a wino and that’s fine-o

I drink.

I used to drink more than I do now. I had a period in my life where I [when I say "I", that means "most everyone arond me"] thought I should be sober for a while. So I was.

I drink now – but much more responsibly. I no longer aim to get trashed, and I haven’t consumed alcohol from a blow-up swimming pool in over six months.

But that doesn’t mean I am free from drunken stoopers. For instance — last night. Apologies to those of you who follow me on Twitter and had to see seventybajilliony posts from me updating you on the event I attended. It was an event hosted by Mercedes-Benz to premiere their new cars. This event had free Riesling and roast beast.

I. Was. Set.

I went with one of my oldest friends, Nick, who loves cars and booze and money almost more than I do. We drove to the event in his Mercedes and I dressed rich so they would think I was worth talking to.

Two bottles of wine later, I was flirting with a local jazz musician who was playing there, and Nick was eating taquitos by the fistfull. By the time I got home, I was belligerent.

Somehow I got away with nine [or thirteen] Mercedes-Benz tote bags shoved into my purse.

And then, I decided to start yelling at Boyfriend. Poor guy. He put up with me while I ranted and raved for at least an hour. Toward the end of my tirade, I did this:

I punched the wall in our room. Which has left this nasty bruise on my knuckle, as well as shooting pain all the way to my elbow, and a severely swollen hand.

Thinking about this today, I made a list of all other alcohol-enduced injuries I have had. They go like this:

• Freshman year in college: Jumped out of a first floor dorm room window and hit my head on the sidewalk. Concussion.
• Freshman year in college – again: Punched out my friend’s car window after she left her keys in the glove box. Scars.
• Sophomore year in college: Threw up so violently that I hit my head on the toilet seat. Knot on forehead.
• Junior year in college: Attempted to send a drunken letter to my ex boyfriend. Tongue papercut [i.e., the worst!]
• Junior year in college – again: Decided to take a nap on the sidewalk out of a cantina. But I fell instead. Cracked kneecap.

Senior year was quiet on the injury front.

When I thought about them, I realized that all of them. Each and every one. Was wine enduced.

Boxed wine. Bottled wine. Expensive wine. Wild Vines [my fav!]. Wine from a glass. Wine from the bottle. Wine from a mug. Wine through a straw.

Gets me every time!!!!!! So, what’s next?

A few things will now come into play:

1. I will wear some kind of plastic suit when I go out to a location that serves wine. It will look like this:

This suit will protect me from injury while still upholding my status as a fashionista.

2. I will start chewing gum. Sounds strange – but if I’m chewing gum, I drink less. Spearmint doesn’t mix with much anything else.

3. I will ask Boyfriend to take pictures of me when I’m drunk. I know I’m usually a hot mess.

I’m in a place of self-acceptance and I am ready to start drinking safely rather than stopping all together. WHO WANTS TO GO OUT TOMORROW NIGHT!?

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