beast. and stuff.

i’m not feeling super creative. i have a crappy meeting in a few minutes about possible identity theft.

long story.

so i will give you this gem from one of my favorite bands who few have heard. so i want you to join me in my love of Nico Vega.

this was their first appearance on US television (from my understanding) so it’s the only quality video i could find on the YouTubes. Sorry about the few minutes of Carson at the beginning.

BUT

look how pretty they are!

kthxbye

good morning. fml.

Can someone please fucking explain to me how a grown woman stays up late drinking Slurpees and IMing?

I am no longer fourteen and I do not have an internet boyfriend in Alaska [anymore]. My hormones are not raging as I go through ‘changes’ and I am not on cocaine.

I just had some projects to work on and all day long I felt off. I couldn’t get my shit together. Struggled to make some deadlines, got a few things completed later than I’d hoped. At about eleven p.m. I finally had nearly everything complete and I hit a roadblock.  Then I had a mental breakdown.

So I needed another Slurpee. This would be Slurpee #2 of the day.

The next thing I knew, this happened.

Do I look happy? That’s because I’m not.

Now everything is finished, but it’s TOMORROW already and I have another pile of things to do and items on my to-do list.

How did I get so irresponsible!?

heartbreak dreams

Over the last few months, I’ve started dreaming again. It started with a bad dream.

After the first awful nightmare, I began having soft, comforting technicolor dreams and I woke up remembering them and smiling. I felt safe and assume that something is changing to allow for this new development. I thought maybe I was in a new place, I’m making a lot of life changes – there must be good things coming.

A few nights ago I woke straight up from a dead sleep after a strange dream. I imagined I was in the running for Miss America (this is not the point – so let us not dwell on my obvious ineligibility) and had been training as Miss Oregon for months. Then it came to the crowning and my Miss Oregon crown was taken and given to a girl who was once my friend. The other players in my dream were shocked, upset; even they couldn’t understand how it could be taken from me. When I woke up from this dream my heart hurt. It was a heavy, painful feeling that I can’t describe. I thought it would go away, so I tried to sleep – but that failed. I got up and went for a run at 5 a.m. and I couldn’t shake the heartbreak the dream had caused.

Two nights ago, I got home from a sorority sister’s wedding and curled up with too much wine sloshing around in my head. I felt good. I felt fuzzy and warm. I woke up, again, out of a dead sleep feeling hearbroken. I dreampt I was in a shotput tournament (I did do shotput in high school so I feel confidently that this dream was plausible) and though I was the obvious winner in the situation, some guy got my trophy. A man. In the women’s division.

It made no sense. I didn’t know this man in the dream or in life, but I was still heartbroken. Defeated.

This feeling has rarely come to me in life and I can’t understand where the dreams are coming from. So, obviously, I went to my trusty internets to find out the origin. I found this.

To dream that you are in a competition, represents your need to grow and expand. Learn the value of endurance and perseverance. Also be more assertive.

To dream that you win a competition, suggests that you possess the necessary skills to accomplish a goal or solve a problem in your waking life.

Since I keep losing the competitions, you can imagine what that means. I think i know where this might be coming from and if so, I definitely know how to fix it. So, let’s hope my working on some new projects, and actively addressing the unresolved issues floating around with the white wine in my head, help to get rid of these heartbreak dreams.

trying to fit in

I grew up in a family that always kept up with appearances. My hair was always perfect, my clothing ahead of the curve. This was mosty my Grandmother’s doing, but some of it rubbed off on me. I’ve always been into fashion and new trends – I wouldn’t say I’m a slave to it, but I definitely pay attention.

However, I still wear yoga pants for days on end and don’t always straighten my hair before I leave the house. In fact … sometimes … I don’t wear MAKEUP for days on end.  Yes, my skin can pull it off. Don’t be jealous.

But the last two weeks, I have been out of my league.

I have been living [house sitting ... but I pretend I live] here

And it looks like this inside

And whenever I get on the elevator, rich 60 year old ladies look at me strangely. They ask if I’m new. They stare at my tattoos like they’re watching two hillbillies kiss.

And a few weeks ago when I had too much to drink and then woke up still drunk the next day and walked the dog —- they all knew. They could see me sway at the building’s dog park.

At first I was angry. I wanted to growl at them all and scream. They reminded me of my Grandmother – telling me I looked awful or that my shirt wasn’t the right color or my hair needed to be brushed.

But I decided I should take advantage for the next week. I want these snobby ladies to know I can play their game.

I’m trying to tap into my Grandmother’s head. What would she tell me? What would she do? So I have decided that for the next week I will wear only dresses and flats when I go out, and wear sunglasses so I never have to look anyone in the eye. And it’s always okay to be drinking wine – no matter what the hour.

So maybe I do fit in?

Still not sure.