Wasting my fourth hour

So sorry to be behind, kids.  One of my amazing projects, The Miracle in July, has been blowing up and I’ve been so busy keeping up that this poor blog has been neglected. Again. But I’m not a fucking quitter, so I refuse to stop. I choose to regularly apologize for not posting.

The topic of this post?

Kathie Lee Gifford.

I want to know how this bitch has been famous for SO LONG and why I can’t seem to get on the teevee.

And she’s not a real journalist! The woman makes money because she’s bat shit crazy! She consistantly makes Hoda uncomfortable on the “fourth hour” of the Today Show.  She cackles like The Wicked Witch of the West and her face is plastic.

So why do I find myself here, once again, watching her show? Because I want to see her do something stupid. Like the time that she almost made out with Hoda (seriously. google it) or the time that the guest chef they had on the show told her and Hoda to shut up (seriously. google it) or the time she dissed MC Hammer in front of his own son (you know what I’m going to say here).

More than anything, I want to see her fall down.  I want to see Hoda finally lose it and choke KLG on camera. Jezebel has hinted at this possibility here. I want to see their poor assistant Sarah finally give them both what’s what. I’ve been an intern. I know how one gets treated. I mean – Kiala and Melissa Lion and MediaChick are all great — hahaha — they’ve NEVER been cruel to me. Ever. What? Nevermind.

So I will keep watchin KLG & Hoda. Waiting for the moment to come. I leave you all with the above photo for your pleasure.

Here’s to hoping they’ll both crack so Hoda can go back to being a serious journalist and KLG can finally die retire.

Happy Birthday to MEEEEE!

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY, Y’ALL!

I’m 23 today. It feels good. This is going to be a good year.

New opportunities, new friends, new loves.

Bask in my glory.

Yes, I recognize that the photo is ridiculous. That’s why I love it. First, my eyes look that only because the flash from a Blackberry is very jarring for those of you who haven’t experienced it.

But my hair is fucked, I’m wearing a gigantic ring and I look confused. It just suits me so well.

Happy Birthday to me!

TFMP: My Revenge. My Goal.

Early this summer I decided I needed more goals. “Freelancing” — which means being unemployed — gives me a lot of spare time. Time that, I felt, could be used doing something good in the world. Something I could really be proud of.

I promised myself that by the end of this summer – I would be featured on TextsFromLastNight.com. If you havent been to the site, please click previously placed link immediately and don’t come back to me until you’ve spent two solid hours reading through it. Bullet point: People submit texts [from last night! ha!] to the site and its a simple aggregator. No. Big. Deal.

But I’m drawn to it. TFLN and I have a magnetic pull toward one another. Or at least I thought.

I have sent SOLID GOLD to this site for the last two and a half months and as my birthday swiftly approaches, I am beginning to think I have failed myself. All of us, really.

So – because TFLN has refused me … I present to you: TextsFromMeagansPhone [TFMP]

[503]: ARE YOU ALIVE? (one hour later in response) [503]: I’m fine! Did I give my pita to street kids last night?

[503]: I just saw an awesome tranny!

[503]: Yo girrrrlllll! I’m real fussy in this heatwave and I want a gott damn slurpee in the worst way.

[503]: Zomg. Orgasms all around.

[503]: I just. Met. Tracy. Fucking. Morgan. And I’m quite sure he just hit on me. OH. MY. LORD. King of KINGS!

[whatevertexasis]: Employment is ruining my street cred.

[whatevertexasisagainbecauseimtoolazytolook]: still can’t believe boy george is gay. Never saw it coming.

You assholes who read this blog but NEVER COMMENT [who are my besties and I love you] .. you know who you are. If you want props, you best leave a comment about how hilarious you are – otherwise I take credit for them all. ALL!

Please expect TFMP to be a regular occurance here. Because I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!

lady punching bonanza (or something like that)

There are few movies in this world that I can watch once a day and still get in crazy excitement mode.  The two I watch most often are polar opposites. In fact, one is shameful.

One, being Fight Club. This should go without saying, but I think Fight Club is one of the best movies of the last ten years (which, quite honestly, isn’t saying shit). The book was a total mindblow, but the movie. OH, THE MOVIE.

Every time I watch it, I stay up late dreaming of creating my own fight club. Some of you know I love mixed martial arts, boxing – really any sport that involves two people punching the shit out of each other. I plan a women’s fight club in my dream, which (sorry fellas) is not as sexy as it sounds. I imagine me and a bunch of chicks in a basement — it’s dark and damp. I’m standing in a corner smoking a Camel Light watching two girls punching each other in the face.

“Harder. Punch her HARDER you pussy!” I scream. One girl dies.

I feel okay about it.

The other movie … the other film I can watch over and over and NEVER get sick of?

You’ve Got Mail.

If you hate me now, fine. But – please recognize that this film not only combines Tom Hanks & a golden retriever but has a very underrated cast! Dave Chappelle, Parker Posey, Greg Kinnear, Steve Zahn. It’s GOLD, people.

Last night, YGM was on. I watched it all the way through, and cried at the end. Like usual.

“I wanted it to be you” Meg Ryan exclaimed as a tear ran down her fish lips. “I wanted it to be you so badly.”

After I was done with crying into a tissue – I decided to man up. Drink some beer or something.

And then – it happened. The perfect storm.

AMC had Fight Club on. FIGHT CLUB.

Until 3 a.m., I was watching Fight Club. I got excited. I got angry. I dreampt of Lady Punching Bonanza (that’s just a running title).

And it was … the perfect evening.

One Year (and two days)

August 1st was the one-year anniversary of this here bloggie blog.

I’m going to do what everyone does and say thank you to those of you who read this.

When I moved back home after college, my friend Nathalie pushed me to write more. I felt awkward and unsure. This blog was a contract – binding me to write each and every day.  I didn’t have any other outlet.

Though I don’t tend to Unclean Conscience with the same enthusiasm as I used to – I do write every day, even if it’s not here.

I’m now lucky enough to write and edit for an amazing Portland events website; I Google things for a techy blogger with pretty hair; I’m able to help out with an amazing Portland storytelling event whose organizers inspire me; and most recently, I’ve become an intern for an incredible author who is taking a guerilla approach to publishing.

I’ve read my middle school diaries in front of 500 people and gone to Tweetups where I discussed social media with strangers. I know nothing of social media. I’ve met wonderful new friends. And people who make me want to be a better writer in whatever way it develops.

None of these things could have happened without this blog and those of you who send me e-mails or leave comments telling me you find me entertaining, annoying or stupid. All of you are important.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. Let’s kiss.

Here’s to me not burning out and quitting this blog in a month. CHEERS!